You know who you are

December 5^th, 2004 25 weeks, 0 days

I am crushingly, epically tired, but if I mention it to ‘friends’ or family, all I get is a lecture along the lines of “you think you’re tired now…” Well thanks for reminding me that things will get worse in the sleep-deprivation department; I really appreciate your bringing this up. Do you, by any chance, also have any “48 hours of labor” horror stories to impart or helpful anecdotes about your secretary’s sister’s brush with death courtesy of pre-ecclampsia? No? Well then maybe you’d like to show me your cesarian scar or describe your battle with a hemorrhoid the size of a turnip….

Because I have to say, you’re really not helping. Not with the “Worried? It’s after they’re born that you really start to worry…” and most especially not with the “You like the name Jade? Don’t you know that’s a stripper name?”

Now think a moment: I just said it was a name we were considering for our innocent, peachy, unborn baby, and you go and make an association to women who work on the pole. Do you think I think it’s a stripper name? Yet I’m supposed to find that comment constructive? It wouldn’t be so bad if I’d asked for your opinion, but to voluntarily cause me to associate strippers and my unborn daughter is really beyond the pale.

And you do know, when you volunteer criticism of the names we’re considering, that I run through my mental rolodex, call up the names of your progeny and pass a little judgment of my own, right? Along the lines of “She named her daughter Madison and I’m supposed to take her opinion to heart? Works fine for a college town, Manhattan thoroughfare or Square Garden, but for a second-grader? Maybe not so much.”

I read that last part over just now, and I have to say, I think I’m feeling a wee bit touchy, so I apologize. I get cranky when I’m tired. And despite the fact that I’m in the second trimester, the supposed “dream time” when I’m supposed to be filled with energy, euphoria and purpose, I still feel the same numbing fatigue I did during the first 14 weeks. I still feel nauseous some days and I still have to pee with metronomic regularity.

But there is a huge upside, and that is that I am finally starting to believe that this may actually happen. (Yeah, I did just knock on my wooden desk, but at least I’m able to say I feel less nervous.) I have had no medical reasons to think things wouldn’t work out, but given the fact that it was supposed to be more likely that I’d be knighted than pregnant, I know where the worry comes from.

And the fact that I’m 25 weeks into this and getting huge and looking at cribs and a contemplating the purchase of a frightening assortment of day-glow plastic and petal-hued terry-cloth items seems to indicate that at least part of me thinks this is actually going to happen. Wow. I mean I know sexually precocious 14 year olds and crack moms across the land give birth on a daily basis, but the fact that this might actually happen to me fills me with awe and gratitude.

So sure I complain about the fatigue and the nausea and the fact that I did a round of ‘female grooming’ by feel the other day because I couldn’t see past my stomach, but the big truth is I couldn’t be happier about this all. I just don’t want to sound too happy and cause something bad to happen by way of cosmic retribution.

I guess I’m just trying to lay a little low.