Maternity Leave

I’m home doing a little research before presenting my bosses with my proposal for maternity leave. The company is so new that I’m the first person to get knocked up and need to address the issue. The last place I worked, all you got was an office baby shower, a turtle cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory and a termination notice.

(Turtle cheesecake was to die for.)

((While you’re eating it, it almost compensates for the company’s lack of actual maternity leave. Of course the next day you’re up 2 pounds and jobless.))

Where was I? Oh yes; did you know that The United States is the only country in the Americas to pay women 0% of their wages during maternity leave? And that we also have the shortest leave duration? We are the maternal-leave misers of the free world; we are the temporal equivalent of that restaurant in the old Woody Allen joke with terrible food ‘and such small portions’. This really infuriates me; for such a so-called progressive nation we offer a leave package only marginally better than that of Papua New Guinea.

(Mothers in Papua New Guinea get 6 weeks, unpaid, to our 12. However, that nation is the #2 ‘Most Murderous’ in the world, having the second-highest murder rate per capita. Therefore, they are operating under a population deficit and are under considerable pressure to return people to the workforce as soon as possible. As such, our maternity leave policy still rates as one of the worst in the world. It is exactly the same policy the working mothers of Lesotho get.)

((Now before I get letters I want to be perfectly clear: I am proud to be an American and there are a myriad reasons why I would rather live here than in Lesotho, not the least of which is the fact that one cannot procure Stoneyfield Farms non-fat yogurt in Apricot Mango at ANY of the finer food shops in Lesotho. I know -- I googled it. Although there is a convenience store in Thaba-Tseka that says they’ll order it for me if I can wait 6 months.))

So I really love it here in America, but was startled to learn how badly we stack up against other countries in this respect. For instance, if I lived in Sweden, I’d not only be entitled to 96 weeks of maternity leave and get most of my salary throughout, but I’d bet I could get cute IKEA baby furniture without paying exorbitant shipping charges.

(Yup, my assistant Trevor just googled them and found I could get an adorable Blǚurka dresser and Stoole changing table shipped to my home for only 11 krona. Then again, I don’t know the exchange rate….Trevor?....so this may not be that much of a deal.)